thinking maybe i should also start a private LJ like xinyi.. if u are invited by me to here.. i really trust u as my good/best friends and trustworthy.. so.. whatever u've read here, please do not disclose to anyone ok? and of course.. don't give out my URL to anyone without my consents.. can? including putting this URL as one of ur links..  please don't..

have been realising that i don't know how to express my feelings (especially sad feelings) for quite a long time.. with work.. with relationships.. 

have been with zhiqiang since sec 3.. 4 to 5 years already.. many friends may feel that i'm really good and waited for so long for each stage.. yea.. i waited for 30 months before he asked me to be his girlfriend, when actually we already are.. i waited for him to tell his mom that he has a girlfriend, until yesterday when he told his mom that he is bringing his girlfriend to the social night.. if not for the social night, maybe he wouldn't have told his mom also ba.. maybe i am thinking too much.. 

started to find that he doesnt know what he wants in future.. i know he has been studying very hard to have a bright future.. but all we have been seeing is just the near future.. good O level results, good A level results.. but now.. he doesnt know what he really wants in the future.. at first he wanted business course provided in NTU NBS after going for NTU's open hse.. den he wants engineering.. he signed on.. and he thought of breaking bond because he feels that taking scholarship in singapore isnt that worthwhile cuz tuition fee isnt as high as overseas.. haix... i really don't know what he thinks.. did he think that after breaking bonds he may not have the pay that he received in OCS and at that time.. $6000+ per annum is a big cost also? quite angry with him.. and.. the saddest thing is.. i do not know what are his university choices.. seriously.. i don't know.. WHY I DON'T KNOW? AND HE DOESN'T EVEN BOTHER TO LET ME KNOW?

he doesnt sms me often in NS.. he did when he just started.. but now.. he doesn't.. i thought he is always busy.. with trainings.. until thursday.. he actually happily told me that he lent his friend his phone on wednesday night and he read all our sms-es.. hmmm.. my first thought was.. we didnt sms much.. also nth very sweet or special (rather.. he seldom sends me sweet smses).. but after thinking for sometime.. i thought of: why his friend can borrow his handphone on that night.. and he doesnt even sms me? issit they actually free everynight just that he use them to study again? haix....

i'm really feeling very upset to see him saying he has to go study despite it's already after A levels.. yea.. i know OCS needs lots of studying also.. but i cant imagine i have to continue seeing his smses telling me he has to go study for another 6 years??? or even all the way until he finishes his service in NS.. 

i thinking of giving up.....

it isnt the first time i thought of giving up.. at least.. for the past 6 months.. i know i've been very weak for these few years after going JC.. i tried to endure with everything.. but.. i seriously feel sth isnt right in our relationship..  i do not wish to drag till uni den i initate a breakup.. i do not want him to feel that i have found a better man in uni.. and makes him feel inferior.. i dont want him to feel inferior.. in fact.. i hope he can be more confident in himself.. his lack of confidence contributes to our problem also.. and the main point is.. i do not want him to feel that i've found a better man and make him feel that the problem lies on that and not on us... haix.. how?